anxiety still accumulated....even thou i didnt take the exam, didnt go thru a struggle as great...
nevertheless, the incident a week ago is still haunting me....


the day I'd headed back to SCGS to receive my GCE O Level results; it was not a pretty sight at all, all my classmates somber and ominously quiet amidst the festive cheer in the massive school hall at others who were only too happy to see their classmates; it was not a good feeling at all, seeing my classmates worried sick, afraid of doing badly and all. I didn't have the heart to feel happy, to feel anything at all, as I joined in the worry and frowns of my classmates, afraid, fearful for them as much as they were for themselves. I felt bad, not being able to do a thing, at having not done more to help them.

It was not a pretty sight.

... didn't even know what was going on; my heart was in my mouth, I was feeling faint and light-headed, my breathing was way too fast, and my brain and heart were torn to shreds

copied that from http://jiaqi.ratherharmless.org/blog/archives/001080.html....was an apt description of how i felt for my O's....realli....edited some parts thou....

and for today, the a's.....i felt the same. except the immense feeling was milder, and the ambivalence that was to be felt later was nt to be experienced.
listened to the "prostitute" do the briefing. perhaps she isnt that bad la, but i do not have enuf time for the impression of her in me to improve.
sounds like sajc's results isnt surprisingly good. esp when itis compared to rjc with 51% 4As dist and 73% 3As dist.
yeah....wonder hows my prospective sch is doing....

dunno how to describe the emotions spelt on the faces of the many in the hall.....some are just plain nothing, others were swept with torrents of tears, laughter, joy, and a proxysm of all.....watched intensely at one of the jc3 getting her result....anixety filled her to the brim, hands shivering when recieving the results slip, and a scream stripped the hall a few seconds later. her mind was perhaps lagging, filled with consternation and trepidation that it mal-functioned, disallowing her the almost immediate ecstacy. nevertheless, joy evinced on her face, eyes brinking with tears threatening to burst open like a over-pressurised dam. it did, it did welled out of the eyes which was straightened into a line when she was making a call. my attention was then diverted.

headed for the exit. saw some neutral faces, saw some whimpering, saw some sobbing as if they fell into a neverending abyss of failure. and onli a minority demonstrated an action of obvious exhilaration.


bro din do as well...but is kindof assured of a place in uni. as his fren witht the exact same grades made it to uni too....
so, wirus! u sure can go uni lo! ur grades so much better than my bro!
my bro onli got C D E and a C5 for gp... as for chi, i aint sure....
sighx....
dunno...

btw....got my new specs liao!!1 funky sia! :)
wahahaha...super nice! (:

bro still nt hoem yet.....dunno if hez statisfied with his results leh....
neway.....tml rock climbing! :) so fun :)

as usual, too lazy to get down to write a diary, and typign is much more efficient.....
yeah.....prohibit all kcl!!!k c leong and lee kaichun!!
lol....

if one of the kcl ever re-visit my blog....the "Heart_Attack_7_-_CD1_-_01_-_Groove_Coverage_-_Poison.mp3" is not nice!!!!

neway...today....
sch again...yeap....
our class was rather lethargic today.....which was replied with unison laughter when ms ho brought this up.
today is, perhaps, my lucky day! din get called to ans Qns for econs tut nor econs lect nor eng tuition!:)
wasnt feeling good today....afflicted with cough and cold? the mucus so thick! the phelgm too! veri disgsuting sia...
sigh...reminds me of chronic, of the lit stuff....and i shant go on rambling...sigh....i miss lit! ):
pe was rather excruciating slow....played bball and volleyball with lack of enthusiasm.....

the rest of the day is rather blah� which i feel so lazy to elaborate liao....
neway....chi lesson wad held in the dark! so cool sia! the lights were spoiled but the air con was working perfectly fine! lol..
so, ms ho employed the ohp to do some lighting....
lol...
shez rather dejected tt the compulsory-chinese-thing is abolished....lost the motivation to push students to excel and most importantly, lost the inspiration....
kindof sad.....i realli dun mind having a compulsory chi exam. we are chinese. yeah, though scgs is spelt as singpapore chinese girls' school, we are perfectly lousy at chi....but we haf the capacity to learn chinese!
sigh....
dun want such a amicable tcher like ms ho to lose herself. want her to continue teaching! her lessons veri interesting!
sighx....
as wad ms ho*eng tuition* said, change is the onli constant.
we shld welcome changes and adapt to them to survive in this world...
sighx....wadeva the globalisation wadeva the egalitarian socieyt wadeva the wadeva.....

bleah....---stop rambling...----
nothign much happened today i guess... and hope that kcl realli kept his word and deleted my add from his fav....
and....first tiem chatting with wirus after 3 weeks! lol...
welcome back to mainland dude!
bro coming bacck tml...is he coming home? allowed to come home? no idea..
wish all good luck for their a's results, esp my bro!
meryl shall have no prob with crashign sa tml rite? shall not leave any luck to her then... :)
realli hope bro does well*i'll miss wirus out :P*....
dun mind rewarding my bro with anything if he does well.....
good luck!!
worried for my bro sia... :(
good luck to u*wirus* too! :P
owe me a treat if u do well ya! =x did i contribute anything to ur results? hmm....maybe u cld have done better if i dun exist....lol...all the best jc3 peeps!

listen to my heart by gareth gates is real nice...somehow, it reminds me of the yi qi zhou dao, nat song, sang by syz...
that song was blasting when i was reading someone's blog...my classmate...
perhaps she was correct that everyone did worked veri hard. perhaps we realli did, unconsciously.
we've reaped wad we had sown.maybe.

listen to my heart.

endlessly
everytime i look into your eyes
i see forever
i dont know why
but everytime we touch i feel alive
there's nothing like it
pple say that love cant be that strong
and you might just believe them
let me show you
i will prove them wrong

listen to my heartbeat for you
telling you that i adore you
if you wanna know how much i feel inside
listen to my heart come closer
let me wrap my arms around you
theres nothing i can do
im so in love with you
just listen to my heart

oh my love
you really need to know that you are my
once in a lifetime
my oh my
theres nothign gonna stop us cause we are
a once in a lifetime

pple say that love cant be that strong
and you might jsut be believe them
but we can show them
we can prove them wrong

listen to my heartbeat for you
telling you that i adore you
if you wanna know
how much i feel inside
listen to my heart come closer
let me wrap my arms around you
theres nothing i can do
so in love with you
just listen.
i cant tell you what our future hols
but as long as we're in love
we're alive

just listen to my heartbeat for you
telling you that i adore you
let me wrap my arms around you
theres nothing i can do
im so in love with you
just listen to my heart.

dint copy from the lyrics book k! had quite abit of difficulty coping with the pace of the song...neway.....the chorus is super nice (:

woke up at 8.58 before my alarm was preparing to ring off as 9. was prompted to forth for the sentosa outing, though i contemplated much and had much hesitations....
mum cooked instant noodle for me:) while i packed my stuff for sentosa within 5 min*this is quite a feat ok!!*
set off at 9.30. consternation still lurks, i had to use my pap's hp which came for free....which is currently "jobless". it must thank me for employing it ya! :)
---gonna go for lunch now....yeah, ive gain alot of wt :x nvm, if i make it to njc, i'll lose wt cuz of the flights of stairs, the pitiful amount of breaks and the not-so-superb food in the canteen :)---
the blistering ground was chilled by the sudden downpour of rain...it came real abruptly....the sky is still obscured with clouds....
neway....back to wad happened yesterday...

took 139 to dhoby ghaut....maybe itis due to my affinity to bus nowadays, 139 was the first bus to reach the bus stop :)
and...took nel to harbourfront...
i wasnt the first, i wasnt the last.
enjoyed the company of shu hui bei ning and wan wei....other pple are rather insignificant as what we are to them. basically, in our perspectives, this outing revolves onli about yan yi, she was the only existence in the guys' eyes and we*beining huishu wanwei n i* are onli illusion...or perhaps, we are the modes of tunnels which brings them closer to yanyi....hmmm....lol
was still feeling sick and feverish yestday, but i dint retreat....went to macs for breakfast....hotcake breakfast! i ate so much!! maybe ttz the reason of my consistently increase in wt....hmm....
then we took the shuttle bus to sentosa from the interchange....
someone had free admission tix, which means tt we onli have to pay 1 buck for the transport fee....
went to palawan beach...wonder wads wrong with siloso beach, why they failed to go to any other beaches except palawan beach in the 2 times we went sentosa....
reached there at bout 11+
played volleyball even though the sand grew hotter and made us hop on the ground and made us restless....
was fun :) though itis suppose to be ren2 da3 chiu2, but i think chiu2 da3 us....the naive looking ball never fails to inflict pain on our arms and wrists....
took a break, and finally crossed the narrow but steady bridge over to the southern most point in asia...lol...what crap la....then wouldnt pulau bukom or sth be the south-est pt in asia?
neway...the 2 lenthened huts on the island became our slacking place, our fav haunt....lol...
loved that place so much that we went back to 7-eleven bought 2 slurpees*which were filled to the brim of the cap with 4 diff flavours of slurpees! hahaha...wan wei was adroitly skilled at this!
sang songs there, "bonding seesions" perhaps....and the tourist was actually filming us? hmm....
anyway....we are self-centred!!! we sang as if it was nobody's business.....
talked about the napha items, how wan wei was infuriated at her degressing skills at standing broad jumps and stuff...
talked about the o lvl resutls....as giving in into our greediness that all possess.thinking that IF we had study abit harder, made one less mistake, talked more for the oral,etc, we would have gotten more distinctions and even nicer-looking L1R5....thats a vulnerability that all human fall for...who aint greedy?
talked about the pple in our class....bout wanwei dreading to leave yet to be together with the class....dreading the departure of shuhui to other classes, persuading beining nt to change combi...and dreading tt she ll end up with teck chong yanyi and the yanyi-fanatics....
talked about the abominable characters in our class....the boastful kah hong, blah blah...
ended off the talk with yanyi after we were attracted to the telescope which was partially open when we paid nuthing....all 4 of us became peeping toms, or rather, peeping jane....lol....made up stories, or maybe we imagined correctly, bout teck chogn and yanyi, kelvin and yanyi.....yeah, yanyi was the main topic!! =x
laughed with no restraints as if we owned the island....

went back to the larger piece of land finally after we depleted our resources and when the sun grew weaker....
finally, wan wei and i went for a dip in the sea....it was pathetically shallow! the ground was gruesomely mushy!! ewww.....and teh water was disgustingly green and with weird stuff floating on the surface!!! beining and shuhui refused to enter the water....hmm....lol...wanted to drag them in...but couldnt....
and we did sth dumb veri veri fun in my opinion! when we got out of the water, we laid on the sand making our backs "glued" with sand!!lol...it was real difficult to wash it off and we have to resort to going to the toilet, and rinse our clothes to get the sand off....
yeah...we were super wet!! hahaa...made few trips to the toilet to dry our hair, to ...*i forgot!!=x*
when we returned...beining and shuhui disappeared...hmm.....
played volleyball again when they returned....was fun :) though our game was oftenly intruded by wei ye and kelvin....
neway....was fun! :)
wanted to leave the island after sunset...but, there wasnt any grand sunset!! the sun just disappeared when it was desccending.....
left sentosa at bout 8.....after the rest went to bathe...
we changed out of our clothes which were once drenched.....feel much more comfortable in dry clothes! :)
took monorail....and was rather freaked out with kelvin who was inflicting fear in us.....saying tt a death case just occured that morn at 2.30 at siloso beach!!
we fell for it....bleah....but found out tt itis fake eventually....
took the shuttle bus to the intercahnge, and wanwei came to my hse....which shuhui was at the harbourfront mrtstation waitign for her bf....lol...dun get decieved by her looks! she aint that innocent as wad she is!!lol.....compared to her, we are all amatuers in love relationships.....
reached home at bout 9.30....our dinner was interrupted by fel's call...didnt crash mjc eventually....feel sick today neway....
proceeded to the room to draft out our comments and ratings of the pple in our class....onli manage to complete our comment on the guys....hahaha...our enthusiasm worn out soon after awe started chatting to pple on msn....spent bout 2 hours on writing the comments!!lol....
then was chatting with rich richard and kaichun.....hahaha....called both of em in the end...
rich sounded so sian.....and his msian accent...hmm....neway, he has free incoming, so itis alrite for him.....lol...he had to go to the tv room or sth so as nt to disturb his roomates....lol....and he cldnt differentiate between my voice and w? voice!!
and kc.....had to ask him to switch on his hp...so funny...hez super lamoe!!kc is much mroe skilful than rich, he can easily identity our voices!!lol....
then was chatting to shu hui and huixian.....lol...
w? pap din allow her to stay over. he rather come all e way her to fetch her than let her stay over...funny eh.....thou i feel rather guilty for letting her have the chance to torture her dad.....lol...she left at bout 2.30! lol...crazy eh...
thats all for yestday!:)

feeling nonplussed after a few busy days....practically, i've forgotten wad i did for teh past few days....bleah....
let me try to recall and report of how ive spent my days....think ive just waste them all....
mon2302went out with class to watch lost in translation. then went for tuition with prisc.
tues2402crashed njc.played tennis.after sch : wanted to play pool at bukit timah plaza after sch. wanted to eat at pizaa hut. settled for macs at kap.
wed2502grnclub ended early.met with smo pam n meryl.prank called.wt came over.
thurs2602wt n pam crashed sajc.rich's n mum's bdae.played pool at bukit timah plaza with class peeps n wt.dinner with sis&hubby n mum.fear of resutls.
fri2702still went back to sajc.got back results.exhilarated?congrats smo.strolled arnd orchard.meryl came over to my hse for fun?
sat2802went out with w� kc n kl.watched honey.went pek kio cca play bball.
sun2902was at home?with bro i guess....
mon0103no sch.crash cjc.chain of unlucky incidents...
tues0203no sch.class outing at sentosa.
today!0303no sch. at home, trying to catch up with my work, and have an uneventful and bo liao day *finally*....

yeap...quite difficult to figure out those above...
a lvl will be out on fri!! confirmed liao!!

took bus 36 4 times, and twice of it is the same bus....
took 9 bus trips today...
is it a record? i aint that knowledgeable...

hmm...
today is an unlucky day....but also lucky in the sense that i retrieved my hp and i didnt die because of some stupid cause...
neway...
went to crash cjc in teh morn.
met wt meryl fel and xiang hao at the acs barker bus stop. xiang hao was late!! lol..
so we kindof brisk walked and ran there, thru the chancery lane....
i always tot cjc is super isolated and is super inaccessible, but obviously there is this short cut that brought us there within bout 15 min of walking?
reached there...changed into the shits, thanks to jen jeanette meh and kel....
hid in the toilet while they were having assembly.
now i noe how bad pam and wt felt, thou wt professed tt itis much worse in sajc cubicle....
cjc's toilet is veri stuffy! thou itis nicel-decorated....
hmm....
and teh stupid/unlucky us were walking around the hostel area and we got caught on our return journey.
by this low iq and low eq and asinine ass tcher....
lol.....
and that wt!! wrote her real name down!!!and even her real ic!!
my name is erin tan, and i anyhow scribbled my ic number, fel is ?? forgot liao...and was wad xiang hao's name?
lol...how can wt forget her own name!??! her name is wendy!!
lol

anyway....we gave rather contradicting explanations...and she demanded us to return to our classes imeediately while she went to check if we are crashers.
and so we were, she caught us again at the canteen after us "ambushing" in the library, had a tough time going there lo! and not to be seen by tchers esp those in the classrooms....
thanx for the 2 cresent girls who are xiang hao's fren....
hmm....we got chased out of cjc, and she threatened to make a police report. wanted to sprint out of the compound, but we took too long to decide....

neway.....waited at the bus stop outside cjc for meryl to get out bags...
lol...
tehn we went to far east for breakfast.....
got chased out of the open air macs cuz they said tt no outside food are not allowed...but im eating macs!!
sigh...
reutrn to the theatre level to finish our food
proceeded to vjc taking 36.
wasnt much better there.
was denied of a visitor pass after we decided to be moral citizens.
but, such benign pple are often bullied, just as wad the staff in the general office did.
slakced at the canteen till xiang hao saw carol..
alow of pr pple there!! bleah...
fel went off first...
then we took 36 back to orchard....want to meet my class pple at the bukit timah palza to play pool. but, the unlucky stuff just aint enuf.
my fone slipped out of my pocket and i onli discover it when i alighted.
how great.
sprinted after the bus, no avail. jsut realised that the speed of the bus is not slow at all!
or maybe, i was sprinting slower than i can sprint.
panicked abit....
made the best decision, which is to call my mum asap. sis's husband was also at home....
skipped the outing for pool at the bukit timah plaza, which is the 2nd best decision.
took 139 home instead.....
was given the advise of going to the terminal to search for my hp....
yeap, that was absolutely correct!
took taxi to changi terminal.
the taxi driver was friendly but abit too loquacious.....
nvm, appreciate his help....
he let us off at a bus stop near changi airport where we board a 36 bus which we just overtook.
it wasnt that 36 bus.
so we waited anxiously at the terminal.
the second bus 36 came in....
there it was!
spotted by my mum, the metal casing of the hp that glittered in the dim light....
:)
the veri prized reward.... :)
luckily it was well-hidden in the gap....
yeap...
took bus 36 home....dropped off 2 stops before esplanade and took 195 home....we were considered rather lucky cuz the bus 195 was just behind :)

yeah...thats teh end of the adventure.
wasnt able to play pool, so i went to swim.
was rather empty initially, soon it became abit too crowded. and i got annoyed by the pple there were consistently blocking my way....i had to swim acutely to the right, then to the left to avoid them and to allow them space to swim straight....what the...

anyway...reached hoem at bout 7.
went to optician....
got a new specs! ready to collect on fri...
wahahah..
itis so nice!!
the colour is so unique!
im not goign to get a grey black silver or white rim specs which blends in perfectly with the njc uni( assuming that i can get into njc...hmm....btw! the taxi driver was like complimenting scgs, and thinking that i got into vjc for the first 3 mths he said tt i was smart, and upon hearing that i got 8 pts for my o, he said i was intelligent! he was like toking and questioning so much!!!)
anyway....the specs is about this colour...to be exact, itis a slightly darker shade...
neway.....ive got new specs!
and, a bad news come with it...my degrees increased from 700 and 725 to 750 and 800...
how great...
neway...
here i am, sick....
nose leaking incessantly, dun think i can make it for the sentosa class outing tml..
and they have no way to contact me, except they call my home phone*which none of them would have recorded into their hp*.....hmm....
nvm...i still hope to forth for the trip tml..
westside story later...
gonna gorge myself with water from now :)
tata!
fish's fly away song on 933! mellifluous song! veri ncie!

full support to put njc as the first choice. perhaps full compulsion is a better term....
listening to shakespeare in love, again.
yet to re-discover the forgotten songs....sure to have the wen1 gu4 zhi1 xin1 feeling...
lol....

dunno if by putting njc as the first choice is the worst choice....but, gonna give it a try since everyone is supporting it.
my mum and wt's mum share a similarity*other that they are chi and those obvious stuff..* they tend to push their kids to a school as good as possible, unlike meryl's mum who doesnt mind and gives meryl full support of staying in cjc though her 10 pts allows her a better sch like acjc or sajc!
i will miss sajc lots if i ever get into njc or acjc....
acja as second choice cuz everybody said so.
everyone manipulates me except myself. and i dun mind being pushed around like this? ya, everyone else is the remote control and im the car, which is being experimented.

gareth gates's songs are nice! :)