the hurt still runs deep, but it's getting easier to manage: just busy myself, tire myself, and keep away from loneliness and alone-ness in the middle of the night and all will be fine.

after sleeping next to grandma's coffin on tuesday night i managed to sleep at home on wednesday night. they were drastically different experiences. though the wednesday night was a more comfortable sleep, i felt happier on tuesday night. the straw mat was comfortable, cooling, but not cold. i just felt really happy and satisfied to sleep next to her.

went to sph at noon to settle some admin stuff and only got back to grandma's house at about three. yesterday was another busy day putting up the condolence blankets and banners, setting up the tables and chairs. zk and lk came over, was glad to have some respite after all the busying around.

we had a buddhist rite at night. it was much simpler than the taoist one we had the day before and in my personal opinion, more meaningful, because we, the family members, were fully involved in the rite. the priests gave us sutras to read and i really liked it, it made so much sense. they were chanting for grandma not to worry and be at peace, to be happy and head towards the west. very serene. we were on the porch and i stared at grandma's coffin. then i started to sob again, especially when the priests were well-wishing her to have a happy afterlife and forget all about her mortal worries. we circled round the coffin, and i saw my cousin ls and first aunt crying too.

it still hurts.

at night, us cousins and an aunt starting chatting. talked about our childhood days. because i'm the first grandson and ahead of me are three other granddaughters and another after me, the games we played when young were quite feminine in nature. we all lived under the same roof once, in grandma's house. we used to bring out all our books and stamp them and use a pen to pretend to scan the barcodes on the books and then [borrow] our own books out. that really made us laugh. then we would go around in the garden, catch all the crickets and then when the plastic bag was full, we would set them all free. also, we used to catch tadpoles at the monsoon drain near grandma's house. sometimes we would play around with them and when we accidentally pressed on one too hard, we would kill it and cry. during mid-autumn we would carry our lanterns and grandpa would bring us walk around the old bartley school compound. after watching variety shows we would pretend we were the singers. i used to come up with a lot of games [modified versions of catching etc] and get them to play with me. also, grandpa would organise little debating competitions and pit us against each other. that was fun, because we really liked watching the varsity debating competition on tv when we were young, and mind you, we were in lower primary school then! we would also pretend we were herbalists and pluck flowers from grandma's garden. the garden was very well-kept then, grandma loved gardening. then whenever she saw us plucking those flowers she would scold us. we would then go across the road to the construction site and get some murky, muddy, algae-ridden puddle water and then mix them with the flowers and pound them, then later apply this [paste] onto our skin. haha.

we've all grown up. that was our childhood.

it's still very hard to accept, five days later. it doesn't look like grandma in that coffin. i just can't place my memories of her with the one i see in the coffin, side by side.

i think, i think, the hardest part of all is after the cremation, when we are all forced to accept the fact that grandma is gone.

as in, her corporeal self is permanently missing from the household.

and especially so for grandpa.

we chatted till it was five-fifteen, and i had a nice time, with my cousin who has just returned from uk [she liked the buddhist rite a lot] and my aunt, talking about how she met my uncle. lots of ups and downs.

she said to grandpa once, [dad, you shouldn't harp on achievements too much. you should be glad that, despite none being a prominent figure in society, all of your children are so filial to you, and they make an effort to come down every weekend to see you, even though now we're all living apart. they don't let you worry for them. even your daughters are back every weekend! and your grandchildren, too, all of them are so guai [it's amazing, i can't seem to find a good english translation for this word], they don't make you worry. and they are filial to you, too!]

my grandpa used to open an aluminium factory, hiap hong & co., manufacturing aluminium products. he was a major contractor for hdb, making those rubbish chutes, letter boxes, toilet doors etc for flats. i'm quite sure those who are still living in the old flats can see the name printed in their flats. but with times changing, hdb changed their policies, aluminium installments weren't in such demand after all. the company closed down. a lot of my family's history was seen as a cohesive unit, on a macro-scale, whereby we functioned as a three-generation family instead of many nuclear families. thus, grandpa's and grandma's lives were very much intertwined with ours.

that day i went j's house. i saw, imprinted on his toilet door and rubbish chute cover, the words [hiap hong & co.].

it just brought a lot of fond memories back.




hmmm...guess my sis really felt the hurt that that person felt. having their childhood spent with him.
play a fool and then get scolded by him.
running up to him to plead for money to buy ice cream and stuff.
can see[hear] that much of their childhood memories revolves around my grandpa. fond memories indeed.


his grandma's wake sounds like my grandpa's.
yeah. fun. maybe, it wasnt really fun. but just being in a relatively normal and sane state than when in distraught when i have minutes too much to think about stuff. just like wad im doing now?

all the rituals.
was it to calm us? or was its purpose of sending grandpa to a path to heaven.

didnt really understand the hakka lang that the priest sung....but it was really a depressing one. maybe, that is the reason why we hire him. to make him stir up emotions in us so that we can appear to be filial?
dunno...why must this true, and a thing that really starts from ur heart be linked to the economic, be linked to the real world? the world of money, of the one being the strongest will survive.

and. yes. the hardest part of all is after the cremation.
before the cremation too.
when u know that grandpa will be gone forever,
no longer in his material presence.
being thrown into the furnace by pple who are just too used to this processes that jsut heck care bout ur precious grandpa.
okay, it was this machine thing that inserted the coffin into the furnace, the coffin wasnt thrown in.
but.
that was the only time when tears really flowed. as in overflow.

how i wish that we can really meet as a whole big family. and not for another wake. but jsut as a gathering.
a gathering where everyone stays together, and just to stay together with no other motives, but just to treasure each other?
that is impossible. cuz, the economy will suffer. if everyone does this. workign days will be lost. then the marginal cost and the blah blah, and then the economy will collapse cuz everyone is jsut not driven to make the economy advance.
i hate econs.

and...yeah, jsut like him. his family ran a family business.
my grandpa too.
still running.
but dun think itis doing well.
dunno.
started by my grandpa. dun think my pap, my fam will let this business die off unless MR<sighx...
viscous cycle.

wow....
connected my bro's mp3 player to the cable for one whole hour until i realised that it is blistering hot.
wadeva the current, and the resistance that we have learnt. i have nv mastered the skills, and hence my negligence in this incident.

and...guess wad!!
i just tried to see if it is still working. if miracles do happen.
it really did!
it really did work!
wow...
was thinking that, if it is really spoilt, i'll go buy one more of the exact same model....which means forgoing bout 10 or bout 12 whole weeks of pocket money.
heh.
great!! working!!

was feeling real loserfied for being the last in class for econs*i guess i am la...*, for getting 6 for DRQ which i really tried my best, and 6 for the econs assignment when i just lift everything off the notes w/o understanding wad i was copying.
and then, the maths. mistakes and mistakes. blah. would have said, "i could have earned more marks if i didnt make careless mistakes...". but i guess it wasnt really true and applicable in that case. cuz i really din bother bout it. pple did tys, while i din even do half of the tutorials on my own, and needless to say, the tys which i did not touch at all. guess it will be in pristine conditions till a lvls next year. and yes, most probable it will be.

aiya...was quite amazed by myself when i said tt i will run 3 rounds and i did.
heh.
long time since ive made such conviction and i really did it. but, this was sth easy to accomplish, so, wads the big deal.
heh.
enuf of my zhi4 yan2 zhi4 yu3.

submitted a class essay to lao shi! tittled xiang3 dui4 liang2 lao3 shi1 shuo1 de4 hua4 :) yeah...
was really nice for zou li to write inside! heehee...
hope wadeva misunderstanding and blah blah will just vanish ya! :)
hope lao shi really reads it. and keeps it! :)
this surprise didnt come easy okay! haahaha...

kies...thats bout it.
range was closed. wasted trip.
er...tml chi exam. maybe i shall go do physics.
sighx...havent been doing any tuts nowadays...shall spend time to catch up >.<

oki.e...to make this entry relevant to the title...shall end of with..
i am grateful of...i dunno wad shld i thank, who i should thank. but, im just thankful.
blah. wad toking me.

and...yeah. only jiaming remembers that jc is as constant as the northen star and blah blah blah which i still dunno wad follows up.
heh.
not impt more!
i hate econs as much i hate lit*when i was in sec 1 to 3.5*! >.<

that was a dream that i had.
actually, i have absolutely no idea wad is final fantasy. though i've been told a million times...
isit a game or wad??
bleah...
many dreams popped up in my brain today when someone suddenly said sth. it just triggers off my sub-conscious part of the brain...

zao3 zhi1 ru2 chi3, he2 bi4 dang1 chu1.
if dang1 chu1 i....
i wont be ru2 chi3...
but, im constant.
unlike wad julius caesar claimed*or some other character in tt JC* he is constant as the northern star*or sth like that*. in today's context, it is no longer sth meritable eh?

eh?
eh...

death is a hard subject to grasp.

when someone whom you love passes away the grief can hold you back, can tear you down, can turn you inside out. not to grief for the person would seem unethical, but to grief for him or her, letting that love that you had keep sinking you down is not the way, too.

today my eldest cousin came back from uk in tears. i can't imagine just how torn she was inside. to writhe in agony upon hearing the news of grandma's passing and to suffer that despair of not seeing her in her last moments, it's a shadow that has been cast in her heart and this shadow will be there for a long time.

i keep looking at grandma in her coffin. it's still quite a shock, and i can't quite accept the fact yet, but it's getting easier. easier to just shelf off that grief and carry on with things. the adults got me busy, anyways. helped out in running the wake. thanks to all who called and messaged, like j, mj, lilin, yunlin, zk, lk, kz, andrew, and great appreciation to sus who came down today. really appreciate it.

now the person i'm most worried about is grandpa. he seems so much more helpless nowadays. even though he was mostly blind, he could very well find his way around the house. these couple of days he needs about one or two of us to guide him. he's his same quiet self, but this morning when i entered his room there he was, sitting all alone. was it hard for him to bear? to have your companion of decades just part you like that? his room seemed much emptier without grandma. we are all busy with the wake, nobody seemed to be accompanying him. i hope he's all right.

i miss grandma, and i don't want to stop missing her. on the way back i just kept wondering, if she was still amongst us, how would she react to seeing us by her coffin? the visitors at her wake?

death is a hard subject to grasp.

love, too.


cant stop copying from that person's blog.
though theres supposedly a copyright.
sighx....
so i was that one that arrived late[and din get to see grandpa breathed his [last]?
no.
no-one saw him took his last breath.
maybe the nurse. maybe the doc. maybe the bacteria in the air. maybe the equipment mono-tonely beeping away beside him. maybe the viruses in him. maybe none.
i would prefer wad that person went thru. being able to accompany her[him] to the last...

today's chi essay.
wrote bout grandpa.
but was constantly interrupted.
sighx...wanted to write sth sincere sth truthful sth touching.
but. couldnt.

sighx...
cldnt bring myself down to work again.
:(
grandpa, wo xiang dui ni shuo...

grandma passed away at 6:05pm today.

it was a little before six pm when i went up to her room to see her. she hadn't been faring very well the whole day. her blood pressure and respiration rate had been dropping since morning. her breaths in between took up to six seconds. it didn't do very well.

i rarely see grandpa cry. this afternoon we feared the worst for grandma, all of us chipped in money for an ang pow for grandma and my aunts prepared platinum jewellery for her. we then passed the ang pow to grandpa to hand her the ang pow. he sat down beside her and told her some stuff. grandpa was almost blind, so he was just trying to fumble about to feel for her hand to hand her the ang pow. all of us cried then. and i saw grandpa shed a tear.

she got better, but it started deteriorating towards evening. when i entered her room i saw her breathing. but slowly the seconds ticked away and soon she wasn't breathing anymore. i was sitting by her bed and touched her neck to feel for any signs of a pulse. her pulse was weak and slowly it ebbed away. faintly, it ebbed away.

grandma passed away at 6:05pm today.

all of us had gathered in the room by then. some of my uncles, me included, still tried to feel her neck and wrist to see if she had any pulse left. but no more. the throbbing of her veins on her neck was no more.

she had left us.

i tried holding back my tears, but when i saw everyone crying it was too hard. moreover when grandpa reached over to feel her face with both of his hands, i just couldn't hold them back.

my cousin came in and asked if she could perform cpr on her. i just looked at her sadly. my uncles said there wasn't a need to. i stroked grandma's hair.

grandpa was the calmest of us all. he didn't cry. he was very calm. i guess only he could understand what grandma was going through, while all of us couldn't bear to see her leave. but grandma was gone. we took off the machine which fed her. we kept all the medical apparatus. we were all crying.

i don't know how long i sat there, crying. i cry a lot these few days. grandma's body just lay on the bed, but she looked very peaceful and calm. it's a good thing she left in a coma. it's a good thing. a very good thing. it ended peacefully.

i sat there for almost fifteen minutes before i couldn't take it anymore. the room was already quite empty as all of us had gone to do preparations for the wake. i went down to help out.

we started covering up all the reflective surfaces and mirrors and pictures or statues of deities. my cousin couldn't stop crying. poor girl. i was quite calm by then, so i just kept comforting her. her father told her not to worry anymore, but she couldn't stop. so i told her, it was better not to peform cpr on her, because her suffering would end. she looked at me, leant on my shoulder and broke down, and i cried with her. she then asked me, you were there when she left, right? did she go in her sleep? i said yes, it was very peaceful. we couldn't stop crying.

everybody tried to help. we started shifting the furniture to make place for the altar. started cleaning up. my aunts and uncles started writing the obituaries and the funeral parlour. we called the mortuary, too.

i went up to see her again and her face had already lost its colour. she looked so, so yellow and pale. a few minutes after i went up again and they had already covered her with a blanket. it felt so... weird to see grandma like that.

i was surprisingly calm after that. i guess it was a relief for grandma, too. she told me a few times in hospital that she was going to leave this world, and i didn't know how to reply. of course, i'd wish her to live, but sometimes it's tough.

there were a few quarrels here, but emotions were all at rock bottom. i cried over and over again. we all did. when the undertakers came i was calm enough not to cry even when the other were crying, but when i saw grandpa with his eyes moist and trying to walk out of the door to follow the hearse, it was too much for me to bear.

grandma had left us. there was no changing that. at least she left in the best manner.

for the past month or past few weeks i had been crying for a multitude of reasons. just so many reasons. it's so unlike me, i hate crying, but i couldn't help but feel cartharsis each time i cry. i'm now so susceptible to it.

what's a life lived? i think, death is only inevitable only because it is coming.

life is eternal, only because there's death, that's why we all say we all have to die and we resign to the fact.

you get what i mean?

we all have to end someday. it's so unfair.

i cannot imagine all that's left of grandma will only be that photo in front of her coffin.

dear grandma, there are just many things we could possibly do still. to catch up on whatever that we didn't get to do.

dear grandma, i miss you already.

copied that off someone's blog.
hmm....
kindof gan3 tong2 shen1 chu4.
but, din see my grandpa's life wither off to the veri last breath.
regreted so much. but, dun think it wld have been much better ...

forgotten all about yesterday. everything got replaced by that nightmare.
a dream of acjc pple.
pple were dying, one by one.
was in this girls' dorm. heard the violin "screeching". looked through the small window to see a rebecca who looked like celene *er....actually, it was the brown hair tt was the prominent feature...*. she was with this other guy, down there, beside the red brick wall.
then, i pulled rebecca over to my side, she saw her clone. that was the premonition of yet another death.

forgotten those that happened infront. but, one by one, they left us. once we moved into this dorm thing, pple started dying.
sighx...
itis not that there were bloody scenes, nor was it the putrid carcasses that make the dream a nightmare. in fact, the dead bodies jsut disappeared, there were no wakes, no burying of dead bodies....i've forgotten.

sighx...nvm...
watch tv time.
loads of hmwk yet to be done.
glad tt wkend is coming soon :)
and the sept hols is coming too :)
but...pw's deadline is looming.
heh.
so dead.

no more dreams for me.
cut my hair today :)

1) a mother who dont noe the shutter release button, and thinks that she is recording sth when she din press that darn button.

2) an army of green ants barring us from large movements, and tried their veri best to make us sardins*that fish, dunno how to spell*

3) a dear dear "friend" who made me bring back that stupid cam. and who says "who ask you to" bring that tripod, "who ask u to" blah blah.

4) an injured fourth finger*wadeva the name of it* on the left hand, and hand to struggle trudging along with an almost 5 kg cam bag and a tripod and a ndp bag*for my dear cousin*

5) a dear dear friend burdening a mum with that cam.

6) a detour and walk a whole big gargantuan huge route to that bus stop.

7) that person wet my cam bag.

enough of being sacarstic.
here comes the real blessings.

1) being able to sit under the shaded part of the stadium

2) itis only the exterior cover of the cam bag that got wet.

3) the frog at the bus stop did not kajiao me.

4) there was a seat on the bus


lastly...i need to cool down.

wanted to curse a whole chain of expletives. but dun have enuf vocab on it. =x
bleahzzz....
wadeva wadeva wadeva. seriously need to do hmwk!
tml pw, wad r we suppose to do?
bahz

was thinking while waiting in the stadium, that, i'ld rather be a participant than audience. than a stationary audience. than a passive one. than a one accompanied by a mother who i always get pek chek with. than ....bleah...

[edit:11:56]
im veri much consoled after seeing the blurred fotos taken by my dear dear fren.
in comparison to mine.
heh.
that dear dear fren used a 8 mega pix. while i used a 6mega pix.
my functions are much more limited, focal length is so lousy...but it turned out better*in my opinion* :P
heh

in short.
today is quite a nice day.
hahaha...hmm...my blog appeared to be functioning well again..
neway...
not intending to write diary, ttz y im here...lolzz
today....
had a filling lunch at that dunno wad place...then...
yeah...was trying hard to make the mark to get a free beijing duck.
lol...only needed 75 to get one, but we ended up eating like 150.
but considered v cheap tt it made all of our stomachs "explode"
lol...
then..
fel came over.
as usual.
missed the stop.
pro-est of all la.
come so many time still like tt.
then...
blah blah and more blahxx..
and...guess wad!!!
i studied the whole of today!
ahhaha..studied the F90 manual book!
wheee...wad a great accomplishment!
seriously, i manage to finish reading it and absorbe most info bout it..
cept that i forgot wads tt Fee thing*which occured when SFF is bout to start*
heh.
neway..
went to SFF.
took the stupid 32. why isit stupid? dunno.
then...
kindof realise tt i will always have no appetite for food when a photographic event is coming up...hahaha..or when im serious bout taking foto of sth blah blah blah..
wadeva...
appalled by the crowd.
appalled by how successful they are at stepping at my slippers.
and...appalled at their helpfulness of helping fel find the ring. or, maybe, they think itis a diamond ring, so they are fighting to find it so they can "kope" it.
heh.
then...like wad that small girl in front of me said[in a frustrating tone], we waited so many hours to watch the 5 min of fireworks?
yeah....
wad so nice bout fireworks?
it stinks!
er...itis a momentary thing.
it vanishes.
it is noisy.
it....blah blah
nevertheless, still hope to go next week. cuz i realised tt i used the wrong lense today....grrrrr....stupid me >.<

then...fel left.
met with jeanette.
filled me in with her adventure.
hahaha...
then strayed around.
trying to get wild, but obviously failed.
cuz no alcohol. no entrance to pubs and blahx
hahaha...
went to fullerton thou...
lol..took pics and rubbish.
hahaha....
walked thru the whole of clarke quay. din take foto.
hmm...yeah..stupid 32 bus [again] took so long to come. 195 is worse.
reached home only at bout 11.30. about e same time as yesterday bah...
so here i am...blah blahing...
and...i barred YQ from reading, TRUSTING his integrity.
lol.

neway....the SC1-SC3 fotos are still not working!!! sighx...

but...the anolog kindof rox! hahaa...cuz there is almost no reaction time as compared to the digi la!
hope theres enuf frames left for tml :)

hmm...
guess not much pple will get it la..
neway..
wy asked for the bill *not bill as a person*.
then i asked where is bill*a person's name* or maybe i asked which bill?
sth like tt la..
abit the lame..
and happened to take a few fotos of the bill, yeah.
puns and whatsoever.
din realise tt itis 1+ now.
sighx..
better go slp
desk is in a mess.
anyone will be condemned harshly for tresspassing my territory, or tries to make my desk seem neater.
lol...

in e afternoon.
was thinking tt i hate the bak chor mee at the river valley tt one, opp kay poh rd.
and, i think it really came true...
a man-made hatred. even if i like eating it, i hate it.
er... lol...im not making sense...blah blah blah

the entries are still like super screwed...
anyway....
the positive one is the class outing today...
yeap yeap.
and...er...waited 2 hours for the fish and co?
which is further delayed by the blackout!
saw gina.
hahaha...yeehui is from yy's class.
yy doesnt really noe gina.
er...
and...yy n tc are an item le! cool...im like so outdated la...
hahaha..
that branded wy.
that half branded kelvin.
hahaha...
ah di, still the same. rjc volleyball or was it soccer.
hahaha
rich wasnt here, but in soccer too.
hahaha...maybe next year eric zouli oliver and rich will play against it other...
hahaha...but, now i noe i will support ac's team though itis a sure lose situation unless miracles happens...
hahaha...jj la...really hope ac wins everything next year :)
and my twin!! whee!!!
white sheep black sheep. cool game! :)
and..i forgot who is chong heng.
and i got confused between yi dian and kah hong.
thinking tt kah hong is yi dian.
hahaha...
and the loitering...and the stupied paradigm always so crowded.
er...
why is this entry so like abstract type.
hahaha...
neway...
was kindof fun in fish and co.
that sarita person. hahaha...all thanx to oliver. that feedback form.
hahaha..we are so super duper troublesome la!
requested for them to turn down the vol of the radio
also requested to change the tv channel from discovery to epsn.
lol...but that sarita waiteress was kind enough to entertain all our fussy requests.

hmmm...
met at 5. walked around to bout 6.30
stagnant at "LOVE" -outside the glass house-
till bout 8 when we finally got full attendence*except kah hong, who we tot he pangseh us* and finally got ourselves into that place.
finished eating at bout 9.30
then went to fort canning.
then back to paradigm.
then home.
hahahaha

btw...when we left fish and co. that 45 pple group left too.
and...they asked us to help them take foto.
ahhaha..cool!
they climbed all over the love sign.
and, amidst the flashing of cameras, hui xian and i dished out our cams and joined in the havoc!
hahahaha....
obviously the 45 pple din realise tt we used our own cam to take their fotos la :P *at least i hope they din la*
had a good laugh over it. perhaps it was adrenaline bahx...
itis just like...crazy la! hahaa

s72-ers are really diff compared to 1sboners la...
hahaha....which one is better? both have strengths and weaknesses, and not that im in a place to choose.

anyway....thats bout it! :)
tml...
hope that we can successfully go to that weng chun yun thingy to eat...
after anticipating it for weeks and cancelled cuz suddenly someone cant make it...blah blah.

then...fel.
the SFF.
all tentative bahx.